IN-(the)-DE(e)P-END-ENCE

I have been staying away from home for the past six years so to say. My visits back home have only been on vacations during my college days and the few times that I have managed to go back ever since I joined the present company I am working for. I have come a long way, I guess. But, I am sure this is just the beginning.

Things have been happening at a rapid pace in the past few years or so and life has gone through some major changes. By changes I mean, I have completely changed my line of work after being offered to work for a world class company, I have left home soil without much preparation, little thought and greatly on instinct, I am already engaged ( to an angel ), to be married soon, and God knows what might follow next. Does being the son of a combat pilot, play a role in fate acting with afterburners on? I dunno. Or being the son of a Physics lecturer, help me accelerate through the continuum of teenage days, college life, getting a job and getting married. I am clueless. :-)

I stayed with my parents till the age of seventeen, quite like the majority of people in India, before they head for their college studies and begin to stand on their own feet. I thought I had been doing the same, but the force with what all has happened in the past, I suddenly feel myself getting drifted far from where I had thought I had a strong foothold. It’s a funny feeling and I have no idea know as to what I am trying to convey here, but this is what independence must feel like. Suddenly, I have control over things. Suddenly I am being held responsible for my actions. Suddenly, I have to take decisions which mean a lot, which otherwise, in the past I would let my pilot-lecturer duo handle.

For all those who know me are aware that I love driving.I remember the time when I would sit in the car and beg mom to let me drive citing reasons that I am just two years away from being eligible to do so and she would say, Son,(followed by some nickname she would devise on the spot) be patient and trust me, within no time, you will be driving us around. That seems like yesterday. Never in my wildest of dreams had I imagined that I would be cooking food for myself. I am ready to help out my mom in the kitchen, if she lets me, or help my wife-to-be cut a few vegetables and help clean the utensils. But cook all for myself; How in God’s name, have I ended up doing this? I had wished studying abroad, but never thoroughly contemplated as to how to go about it and now I find myself away from home for at least what looks like ten years. In a couple of months’ time, I have to look for a house and probably not be cooking alone. At this rate, before I know it, I’d be responsible for a few more lives and I will be where my parents are now. Scary, I guess.

Well, I guess I am not the only one because when I look around, I find seven more heads bobbing in the deep end with me.

Turmoil.....

Life had picked up in a way that was completely unexpected and I shifted to Singapore. Being a marine engineering cadet, it gave me the jitters when I would think of staying away from my family and friends for months together, but who knew that fate would plant me four thousand miles away from home in a foreign land altogether. So here I was, away from home but on land. Close to civilization but a foreign one. A new phase began and I was excited, but I was a little alone. I am not complaining, it's just that I am marveling at God's ingenuity at drawing that thin line between satisfaction and that little, yet so important, emptiness that often comes with it. He darkened the line further after I moved to Singapore in mid November, but it brightened my life to what it is now.

Rakhi had changed, and that caught the attention of my Dad and brother, who always keep their Radars in active mode in search of a girl that would be good for me just for the fun of it. All this would, in almost all the cases, culminate into hours or even days of leg pulling. They are aware of the fact that I have a few girlfriends, but also the fact that I am still on the lookout for THE ONE who would be my wife-to-be. I had never voiced my desires to the kind of wife I wanted in my life, but I think they nailed it by setting their eyes on her. The Romeo that I am, I attach to any girl that is even remotely attractive, but with Rakhi, feelings were so true, so right, so genuine and so lovely.

I was leaving for Malaysia for my OBS course, an outdoor activity camp sort of thing that aimed at building group interaction skills and getting to know the members better. A few days before my departure, I was chatting with my bro on the internet and he passed on the news about her and asked me to speak to her, just for his sake. I could sense the excitement in his voice and I gave in. I was a little excited too, knowing that she had become somebody who would get my brother to talk me into doing something like this, considering that he is five years younger to me and really never bothered about my so called relationships with girls. After all this and ending the conversation with him, I let my imagination run free and pictured Rakhi fitting into the template that I had moulded over the years for my perfect match. I immediately wrote her a mail and informed her that I will be getting in touch with her once I get back from Malaysia.

Since that moment on, all the time in Malaysia and the time between my return and the time I called her up, I had never thought of somebody that much, never imagined about the future so much, never dreamt of the future so much. The feelings were too mixed up and messy, but the all just culminated into a smile whenever I was thinking about her.

Getting a new phone connection was the next goal once we all settled down in our new accommodation at Singapore Flying College, and those days took my mind off, just a wee bit, from her. I took a phone connection and passed on the number to all those I possibly could and displayed it on Orkut also, for others to see, more for the excitement of letting the world know that I am in a foreign land which was made obvious by +65 rather than +91. I have always been shy starting a conversation with a girl, and things didn't get any better when I decided to call her up. I was scared that I might freak out and that would mean the end of my dreams, and my story would end even before it would have started. I think it took me a day to summon all the courage and to persuade myself to dial her number.

And when I finally did, wow it was magical. It was like finding a new chord, it was like finding treasure; it was like finding the missing piece. We spoke for quite some time and being the first conversation took me by surprise. We spoke as if we knew each other. I don't know about her, but I couldn't stop smiling as I spoke, my heart was beating faster, I couldn't stand at one place, I was louder than usual and I didn't want it to end. The excitement was indescribable, the feeling was awesome and I think I already had fallen in love with her; and my God, what a fall.

The textbook phase followed. I would wait for the evenings to come when I could chat with her online or speak to her on the phone. Small things started to matter. And then came New Years Eve. I missed her so much, I could picture her so beautiful in my head, and I was sad that I couldn't be with her to start a new year. I touches me when somebody who matters to me this much as she did "scolds" me to call her up no matter what, to write to her no matter what, to message her no matter what and to love her no matter what. And I try to do most of them no matter what. So I did call her up to wish her Happy New Year.

A few months went by and my family became aware that I had started speaking to her on a regular basis and that things were going well between the two of us. If they were excited about it, then I was way, way ahead of them. All those Romeo associated sayings started coming true, I couldn't stop thinking about her all through the day, I could see her face in every beautiful girl that would pass by, I would dream of her, sleeping on time became difficult, the only thing that I was an ace at. My thoughts were so messed up and they just spelled out once single word and that was Rakhi.

If all this sounds as if they made things difficult for me, they just became impossible the day she came on webcam. I gasped, I thanked God, I leaped with joy, I was smitten, I missed her and I wanted to be in her arms. I believe one can see the mix of emotions. It was painfully sweet.

Then came news that I could go home for about fifteen days for some paper work and that would be my chance to see her. Happy was I and so was she. But then uncertainty and bad news came with it. The trip was not confirmed and 15 days were cut short to just five. I think I had never prayed this hard for a leave in my life. I wanted to see her, I wanted to hold her. Things changed for the better and I we were assured a leave for five days and boy, was I happy. Time stopped passing by and it was the longest week till the day of departure.

Four hours is a decent amount of time especially when one is sitting idle. Watching a movie would be the best way to kill time. But, on this occasion, when I was on-board my flight back home, four hours seemed like an eternity. None of the movies on board interested me, I was just flicking channels and the excitement to meet her was killing me. I knew, it would be still another day before I would get to see her, but the thought of bringing the distance to a fraction of what it was before was exciting enough. After four agonizing hours, I was on home soil and ready to jump ahead of everybody in the queue to exit first.

Mom, Dad and Bro were there to welcome me and what a feeling that was. Before I knew dad was busy dialing a number on the phone and he gave it to me saying that Rakhi's number was dialing. She was the same girl on the phone but the feeling was very different. For some reason she felt so close and I wanted to leave for Rishikesh at that moment itself. She was "confused", as she confessed and asked me to call her after an hour till the time she arranges her thoughts. The drive back home was fun as I was telling everybody about what happened in Singapore in the past seven months. Home sweet home and Dinner was served. I missed every bit of it. My taste buds finally felt alive after months of eating rubbish that had no taste. That word had actually lost all meaning in my life until the moment I took the first bite of mom cooked food. Everybody was tired and I was waiting for the time when I could call her up. We spoke for about half hour which was actually after exchanging a few messages on three phones. One was mine, the second one was with her to receive messages and the third one was the one with which she would send me her messages. It shouldn't come as a surprise, but the last one was her father's.

Morning came and I was the first to get up and had to push everybody to work faster and finish off their bathroom routines as fast they could. I had never been this excited when it came to matters like these whether we were going out for a vacation or to meet somebody. All of us knew that I was mad about her and my behavior confirmed it all the more. All set in the fastest possible time, we set the wheels rolling and headed towards the foothills; I was going to meet her, the feeling was too sweet to be true. I have been very choosy at expressing my feelings and on the surface I am a very calm and composed character, but that day I couldn't stop smiling all the way; and it was quite noticeable. Given a chance, I wanted to scream out to the world that I am going to meet the girl of my dreams, but I think that was not required, my actions made it quite obvious. Even a stranger would have looked at me and guessed what was is it that I was so happy about.

We made it to Rishikesh in the evening and freshened up at my Granny's place after the eight hour long drive. I really was in no mood to change and all. All that was running through my head was Rakhi, Rakhi and Rakhi. That was it and nothing else. Even when my relatives were talking to me, I was looking at them and answering their questions, responding, smiling, laughing, explaining, reciting my experiences in Singapore and how I missed home, but her name just kept ringing in the background. It was so loud and clear.

This was it. That hospital was in view again when we got down from the car and started walking toward it. Rishi (her bro) was there at the entrance and I was glad to see him. He had changed and boy, what "incredible" hair he had, something that would have caught anybody's attention even in the most crowded places in the world. The winding climb up to the accommodation up there loomed in front of me. I could sense myself walking faster and I was finding it hard to control my movements. And then another flight of stairs, the scary ones; so small and so steep. There we were finally entering the living room of the house whose family would be my relatives in the future. My dad walked in first, followed by mom, bro and then me. I had just pushed the curtain to one side and was entering inside when I saw her coming in from the other door. She lifted her head up and from that moment on I knew there was no turning back. She was real, so beautiful, so gracious, so fantastic and so true. My dream was there in front of me. My head was in turmoil. I really wanted to sit down………………………………..

Dear lord, what a fall....

I had always loved coming to Rishikesh for a number of reasons when I was a kid which primarily were to meet my Granny, see the beautiful foothills of the Himalayas, stay away from school and as the years passed by, one more reason was added to this and that was my lovely mamiji. My affection for her grew when we spent a long evening chatting on the terrace and I played the keyboard for her. She was fortunately not very busy with her kitchen stuff which otherwise takes up her entire day. But yet another reason was about to be added.... an important one..

We ( my family) also would come to a hospital to meet a family, which as far as I knew, was a family of my father's old friend. Since I was the way I was, I was a little shy whenever I used to come to that house above the hospital, worried about how I would react when I would see the girl who stayed there. I just knew her name and nothing else. And at that point of time I barely wanted to know anything else, as I was completely devoid of any desire to be with somebody, let alone that somebody be a girl; I was just too scared, I guess. The one thing that I very distinctly remember was the hour glass with a pink colored separator for the two compartments which was kept on the coffee table in the living room. I would keep fiddling with it and appear to be very engrossed in the not so interesting grains of sand that would pass through the pink colored stencil which had the name of a medicine or a pharmaceutical company. The last time that I saw it, I saw a crack in it and I think the minute has gone shorter in that hour glass. We would stay there for a few hours with my bro and me sitting there in the living room with the elders, and doing nothing. Or as I may say, nothing that was visible. I don't know about my brother, but I would keep thinking about that girl who would just show up for once to wish hi and hello to the visitors at home.

There was a part of me which always wanted to go into the rooms inside and then play with the brother and sister duo, but the other part would always stop me from even asking my parents if could do so, maybe because I was sure that I would completely mess it up by going in there and being a total dodo by keeping mum and make everybody else comfortable too. Anyways I could never enter inside and I would keep fiddling with my toy till it was time to leave and would still wish for her to come outside so that I could see her for the last time before I leave to come again after god knows how many months or years.

Back at Naniji's place I would think about her in a very lovely way and then that feeling would die down in a few days, when I would return back home and bury myself in the boring and pointless schedule of getting up early and going to school and everything that would follow. But God has his own ways of cheering me up.

In '99, we were in Gorakhpur, and we had gone for a trip to Jaisalmer during the dussehra holidays and on the way back we made a short halt at Lucknow. It came as a blessing when I learnt that the family of my father's friend from Rishikesh was in the city. So dad, as practical as he was, decided to meet them and then things were on a roll. Mommy, son and daughter, agreed to tag along with us to Gorakhpur for a couple of days where they would be shown aircraft and how it was to be in a Air Force Station. I think I was never that happy to be next to her in a car that was small enough to hold five people. But thanks to my dad and his creativity we were comfortably ensconced in the 800 with the backseats converted in to a bed, which made enough room for the five of us behind.

This is was the first time that I had a serious crush on a girl. At home, I just wanted a reason to be in the room she was in, to be seated next to her at the dining table, even when we would sit in the Sumo that would take us to the AF base to see the aircraft, and I wanted to walk next to her. I think I tried too hard to make all that happen and I was afraid that she might notice and tell her mom that I was acting strange, which would mean disaster for me. Nevertheless I still tried. I don't know how to say this but I was so excited and so wanted to be a part of her daily life. I would say nothing, do nothing, and ask nothing. All I wanted was to be around her. But nervousness always took the better of me and I was an ace at derailing anything that I was right in track. Whenever she was ready to talk to me or play a game or anything for that matter, I would back off and behave aloof, as if I never wanted to be next to a girl, which was completely the opposite of what my heart wanted. I would act a like total goon.

Then three things happened and I fell in love for the first time in my life. I must say that I never knew the true meaning of that four letter word but maybe it was something as beautiful and fantastic as I felt.

We went skating. I got to hold her hand and now I remember nothing. That I was for the first time I had touched something living that was so soft and so gentle.

We went for a party. And we danced hand in hand. I remember dancing in circles with her; completely aware of my throat, which had turned dry. I could feel everybody's eyes staring at me, having fun with this cute, little angel in the corner of an open air dance floor next to the ante room. For the first time, I didn't give a damn for what they thought. Everything was so electrifying, so exciting and I didn't want that to end. But the stupid song only lasted about three minutes and we had to stop and dinner was served.

Pictionary brought me really close to her and I started to see more of her personality. She was loud, or rather a little too lively, if not loud, she was fun, the twinkle, her grace and some of her dialogues that still ring in my head.

For some reason, I didn't want her to go, but she had to leave and I was sad for a few days. I had developed this new feeling for a girl who I could only see once in a year or maybe two, or maybe more. A few years passed by and every time that I would see a girl, I would compare her with the one who came to my house and swept me off my feet. But I had lost all hope about me ending up with her, at a later stage in life.

College life began and I was in a boy's hostel. The opposite gender was missing from my life for 10months in a year and that too in such a phase in life where half of the other world learns and enjoys a lot in terms of ultimate pleasure. Every semester break that I would go back I would meet my old friends and a few new ones, but I would still not stop comparing them with her. Fourth year came and I voiced my desire to have somebody like her in my life to my best friend who was my room-mate too. I described her to him and I am sure he could sense the picture that I had painted in my heart of the future that I so wanted to come true. But, I was completely helpless and I didn't know what to do and I left it to fate. For all I knew, she wouldn't even remember me. Who would remember a dumb boy from school days whom you have just met for 10days in all, during your entire life? But things changed.

I met her about a year back and all my feelings came rushing through. She had changed, and dear lord what a change that was. It was a like a fairytale coming true. In the past, I had started talking to girls at school and I had a few friends also, (yeah, I summoned the courage) but when she was around I could feel my knees go weak, my heart would pound faster, my mouth would run dry, I couldn't dare to look at her, but still watch her every move from the corner of my eye. I had never wanted somebody this much before.

God has been really kind to me and things started happening between the two of us. Credit goes to my family and hers and especially my brother who set the ball rolling. We spoke on the phone, with me four thousand miles away from her, and I knew this was it. From the very first conversation I felt things were right. I needn't be something that I was not. I felt so comfortable talking to her. It clicked. And it clicked well.

Her name is Rakhi. The most beautiful girl I have ever come across in my life. For all those of have seen and known her, would agree with me that this is an understatement and no matter what I say, it will still be a little too less as compared to what she actually deserves. She defines what a girl should be, an epitome of the grace and liveliness that a girl should possess. If there was a word that meant a zillion times more than what LUCKY means, then that's what I feel about her being a part of my life. I am in love with her and I always will be……………..